Corona . . . Is There Anything Else?

​“For the love of God, stop going out!” and “you have to stay away from those people, they are bad news!” isn’t what I envisaged yelling at my parents at any point in my life. And yet here we are, the class of 2020, where we’re now all reminiscing at the clusterfuck of 2016 with doe-eyed happiness. Remember when only all those celebrities we really loved died? Sigh! Stock-markets are tanking, governments the world over are foundering for coherence under the mildest of questioning, and with some irony, people are selling their ass on street-corners for a clutch of toilet paper. If that surprises you, you should see what they’re offering for the unused stuff.

​The world over, the virus has struck with equal veracity. Tens of thousands of cases are evident in China, Italy, Iran, Spain, Germany, the United States and France. Yet one country stands our cleanly above the rest, with those canny Deutschlanders only having deaths in their scores instead of hundreds. Asked how they did it, the German Ambassador claimed, “Well we are all very clean people, we wash our hands very much. Isn’t that right, Hans?”
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Awful puns aside, as if there are any other kind of puns, many women of course are welcoming the virus with both sweet-smelling hands, the female species seeing the outbreak of a pandemic the last-ditch attempt for men to finally wash their fucking mitts after going for a pee. Guys, letting your hands “air-drying” isn’t a thing! Go on, don’t wash your hands, I double-dare you! But before you do that, just sign this small piece of paper here . . . and here . . . and here. And date it there. And good luck!

​And lo, with the world gone to hell in unclean-hand-basket, we call on the leaders of the free world to show the righteous path. Jacinda Arden, the Prime Minister of New Zealand and seemingly one of the only world leaders radiating a modicum of trust, read a message to the nation. Look how measured, composed and assured Jacinda is. Oh, and in her first ever term as leader, Jacinda has made decriminalised abortion, banned semi-automatic weapons and been seen as a beacon of light for the Muslim world under a terrorist attack. Doesn’t every country deserve a Jacinda?
#LetsGetMoreYoungWomenInOfficeCosIAmSickOfTheseUselessBastards is not trending. Yet.