aka What it takes to be a Deity
I have read the terms and conditions of my employment, and I don’t believe proclaiming I am a God is against the rules. Some may not be surprised to my claim of divinity, for I am quite the specimen, and yet I would imagine there would be doubters. Naturally they will be thrown into hell later on in their lives, but for the time-being they need to remain non-deaded since that’d just piss people off. That’s like rule 1 on the first day at work to make friends: don’t kill everyone in sight.
Proof of God
Proof is somewhat tricky. I think there is only so long I could carry the line ‘God works in mysterious ways’ when nothing they ask of me comes true and then every time I phone rang claiming that I did that. Late trains? Well you had it coming. Won the lottery? You’re welcome, my son. Death in the family? Erm . . . well I can’t control everything and be everywhere! Despite clearly being omnipotent and controlling everything and being everywhere . . . have I mentioned those mysterious ways?
Picking Your Time
But as humans we never do anything until the last minute. It’s only when insomnia strikes that the constant bleeps of the fire alarm mean we eventually change the battery. So for my religion to be successful I need be there at the key moments in your life: birth; moments of desperation or as others refer to it, ‘marriage’; and death. Out of all of those, death is the key: very few look at death across the table and just ask to pass the salt. The deathbed is the catch-all, but just because they died doesn’t mean they don’t still live! <well you and I know it does, but hey . . .> They’ve just moved to a different place where I’ll take care of them, they’re very happy. I mean, who doesn’t want to be told something like that which they desperately want to believe in? No one questions the good stuff. Tell someone they’re an immensely good looking, wonderful person, and they’ll flap their lips about being gracious etc Tell someone they’ve got a face like a baboons arsehole and they’re all up in your grill.
Come to me, Sheep!
All I need is a key number of followers that would back up my claims. Naturally if they got to run some kind of profit-enterprise where they could reap in rewards – I don’t know, plucking a number out of the air, something like 10% - where they could set-up their own franchises in my name to get the coin in, I’d have plenty of backers. I could go on television and claim everything is running according to plan, praise science a bit to get them off our backs, tell everyone about God’s mysterious ways . . . please send your cheques to my secretary and I will send out my new informational pack! Now for a name. Suggestions?