Richard is . . . not a singer

From an early age I was singled out for my crooning quality, and subsequently removed from the school choir. I was seven. Myself and another friend were slowly singled out of the pack, much like extracting poo from a litter tray. I’ve supported more singers and actors than the Priory. I’m the Anthony Hopkins of bored, mute shepherds. I missed out on so many roles in religious school plays, I thought ‘Passover’ was just the casting director’s note. With a voice that didn’t need to be voiced and acting chops that got chopped, the written word has developed as my principle creative outlet of choice. My third choice, sure . .

Talking of voices (who said that?), Australia has made international news of late, submitting its application to re-join the human race after numerous dissenting declarations from other countries. With thousands of Australians still trapped overseas and unable to return home, the government have been militant in being blasé. Naturally there are loopholes for movie stars and the very rich because they’re not human like the rest of us, but otherwise few can leave or arrive. After mounting pressure, our inept leader, M. Mouse, has reluctantly started flights from India, with delighted returnees winning a two-week, all-expenses-owed quarantine stay in a city of their choice as long as it’s Darwin. And they thought being stranded in India was going to be taxing!

I’ve just finished investor-oracle Ray Dalio’s Principles on management and leadership, which if you love that kind of thing, is wonderful. If you’re put off by 400-pages of bullet-points, maybe not so much. Paul Behrens’ incredible The Best of Times, The Worst of Times, is still staggeringly good. I’m making notes so often I may as well re-write it in my own words. We’re our own planet-leveling asteroid. However, we can still turn it around, so that slightly less billions die than would by our current course – huzzzzzaahh!! A low carbon consumption, plant-based future, divining water from thin air awaits! In slightly good news . . . plant-based burgers are really good. Having been skeptical, I’m very impressed, and have cut down my own meat consumption gallantly. The earth’s 4.5bn sheep, cattle and pigs can sleep easier now a Reed isn’t eyeing their chops, yet the greedy bastards currently consume a third of all extracted freshwater in the world, and we’re running out of freshwater. Reducing meat consumption also decreases deforestation and methane - a far worse greenhouse gas than CO2. Win, win, win!! So, it turns out all those vegans and veggies were right when decrying that meat is murder after all, but it’s ourselves we’re murdering. That’s a joyous thought, isn’t it? Enjoy your Sunday roast! Still, could be worse: I could be singing you to oblivion.