Welcome to Pure Hell

It’s 9.30 at night, I’m having dinner and I’m roasting my balls. Suffice to say, that sentence may need explaining.

Here Comes Summer

Down Under, we are rapidly approaching summer. The year has sped by in its usual way, stealing months right under the very noses of those who aren’t watching. It’s how many days until Christmas?! And yet whilst most of the western world celebrate during colder temperatures, with the mere whisper of snow in the air, the Southern Hemisphere are hitting peak season for a temperature which is technically known as fucking hot. The familiarity of Warm occurs when it starts hitting 30 degrees during the day, about 86 Fahrenheit, and that’s when I start having cold showers and the air-conditioning is dusted off in preparation for hot. Hot usually is between 30-35, with Fucking Hot following quickly after between 35-40. Above Fucking Hot, is Pure Hell, which usually lasts about a week in 45 degrees. This only happens once a year and turns physical objects like people and car tyres into Blancmange. For any Fahrenheit lovers, that’s 113. 
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Sexy Beast

When it descends into Pure Hell, the sides of the swimming pool are just the other side of unbearable so you need to magically levitate into the water or just walk straight in wearing your thermal radiation suit. Tourists will tell you about going to visit things, popping to the shops, generally doing activities that involve being out in the sun. This is to be avoided at all costs.  The shadows. That’s where it’s safe. Make a game of it: pretend you’re a predator or some kind of bush dwelling kangaroo!

Wear Sunscreen

​​Presumably because of something to do with the atmosphere, the hottest part of the day here is not the middle or even in the afternoon, but at about 5 to 6 o’clock. And this is in Melbourne, the city picked on by other hotter cities for it’s cold and wet weather! What I have failed to understand, despite being here for ten years now, is that some people (mental, weird, very strange people) love this weather. They claim to actually enjoy it! They bemoan the long awful winter, a winter where it doesn’t even snow or frost in the city. I am a proud Australian, but these are aliens.

Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for my cold shower to get rid of the sunscreen I’ve been wearing all day and that in a few hours I’ll wear again when I get up. It’s like I’m preparing for some kind of sporting event by oiling myself up like I’m about to be shot through a canon.